Transition

Immediately after the abuser has been removed

We know that when Black women manage to climb out of DV (domestic violence), mainstream systems, their own community, even their families often treat them as though it's all over.

We know an incredibly heavy and challenging transition has actually just begun. The guidance below is what 5 years of research, experience with our clients, and input from Black women community volunteers/DV survivors has yielded that we share with you.

**Disclaimer: this guidance is simply a tool that you are welcome to use or choose your own path. Results will vary.**

GUIDANCE LIST:

Change your locks! You can go to places like Wal-Mart that have the lock system and instructions. When the abuser cannot easily get in, it gives you time to make other safety moves. Please Sister, do this FIRST.
Get your own bank! Whatever pennies you have, Sis, get them in a bank account/credit union that ONLY YOU have access to. Even if you're married, you do NOT need his permission to do this. Let your bank know who the abuser is and let them know that under no circumstances are they EVER to let him know you bank there. This is your first step in getting his stronghold grip on your finances RELEASED.
Make a safety plan with the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The first 18 months (1.5 years) after leaving DV (domestic violence) are the most dangerous. Within the first 2 years the likelihood of violence increases by 75%. Chat with them at thehotline.org, call them at 800-799-7233, or text "START" to 88788 anytime because they are a 24/7 hotline. They can help you make a safety plan, OR you can help yourself by clicking this link.
Get mental health support. This is waaaay more important than we think, Beautifuls. Keeping our mental balance while everything else stays in crisis mode not only helps us more easily navigate this transition, but studies show that when we process out trauma, our physical bodies stay healthier. There are Black therapists throughout the country. Click here to access the psychologytoday.com list of therapists, then filter it for your state. This one is filtered for Black therapists in Iowa. To update it for your state, click at the top where it says "City, Zip, or Name", type in your state, wait for the drop down to settle on your state, then click enter. Once you do that, click on the Blue "Filters" button and choose "Black and African American" to look at your options for Black therapists in your state.
Learn Your STATUS. Many times abusers have multiple sex partners other than you. You deserve to know that you have not been left in the dark on whether or not something was brought back to you AND what you can do about it. If you live in Iowa, click here to find the closest FREE testing site to you where you can get your status regarding HIV and other STIs (sexually-transmitted diseases). If you live in another state in the United States, click here to see the results of the Google search we've provided to decide what options you'd like to use. If you feel comfortable doing so, you may also want to check with your state's domestic violence coalition for more information.
Your New Trust Circle. Who are the people in your life NOT impacted or influenced by the abuser? Talk to these people. You will need to decide who you can trust now. Once you figure that out, see what back up support they can provide that will help you navigate this transition. Sometimes you'll need someone to cover rides; sometimes you'll need someone to whom you can scream. Sometimes you'll need someone who can be with your children to let you be alone with your thoughts. Find your support - you'll need it. Whomever you identify that you can explicitly trust - with the lives of you and your children - make them aware of the safety plan.
Childcare, School, and/or Work Flexibility Options Navigation. This is the time for you to think about the flexibility you will need with your children's daycare and/or your workplace. One of the biggest things you will need right now is TIME.
- Many daycares now will enforce fines if you are late picking up your children; see who you can talk to that can help build in flexibility there. Provide a photo of the abuser, and let them know you are making arrangements right now for safety for you and your family that are time consuming and you'd like to know what flexibility can be built in for you while you're navigating this process. To avoid child protection services getting involved, it's important to let them know your children have NOT been harmed, the abuser is NOT in the home.
- The school for your children (and you if you're a student) need to know the same thing. Share the photo, let them know you may need flexibility sometimes with getting them out of school to work on transitional details that involved the children/you and you'd like to know who you need to talk to. Be sure to share the same information you did at your daycare; many of these places have/are mandatory reporters.
- Let your employer know you are a survivor, the abuser is no longer in the home, and your transitional details are time-consuming at times and may need to happen during work hours. Share a photo of the abuser and let them know he is not to be granted access to you or your worksite, nor told any details at all about you being there or not. Let them know you'd like to know how you can work together to make this the least disruptive as possible at work while still allowing for flexibility as needed.
Social Outings for You. This may seem like a mistake for the immediate help category, but it's not, Sister. You need to have at least ONE THING you do that IS NOT connected to crisis and that makes you feel good. It is preferred that the things IS NOT in your house. It is best if that things is with other people who ARE NOT connected to the crisis. If you can find a support group, cool. If not, what else can you have? Look on Facebook or Eventbrite events, do Google searches, but find at least ONE THING.
Social Outings for Your Children. This is almost as important as the one for you. Find at least 1-2 activities they can look forward to that ARE NOT CONNECTED TO CRISIS. Children are not as resilient as we believe they are; they need something that feels like fun, joy, belonging, etc., to look forward to. Young Women's Resource Center in Des Moines, Iowa is a great example - their groups are creative and they will pick your kids up for you! ArtForce Iowa is something else we've heard of if your kids are artistic - they let your young artist do whatever they want that they have in their building and it's free to access! What else can you find that is similar in your area? Get your kids connected!